Learn to Forgive

All through their lives, certain people pursue a flawless image for themselves. Their efforts center around one goal: to be perfect and to look perfect. This is a natural consequence of finding it degrading to make a mistake. The ideal person, they consider, is one who can project an aura of impeccability.

However, this “flawlessness” is an illusionary goal. Neither is it one of the attributes of a believer we find extolled in the Qur’an. For man is inherently weak, humble, and helpless before Allah and can consequently make mistakes all throughout his life. No doubt, he will always do his best to avoid mistakes and sins, yet, being a frail servant of Allah, he will not be successful in being free of all mistakes. In the Qur’an we are informed that man has faults and sins before Allah:

“If Allah were to punish men according to what they deserve, He would not leave on the surface of the earth one single living creature: but He gives them respite for a stated term.” (Fatir 35:45)

You should never expect that you can live a perfect life. Flaws, faults, mistakes and miscues are inevitable and cannot be avoided no matter how hard you try. It is natural to be upset at someone when they’ve hurt you. The Prophet (sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam) told us that a Muslim is not allowed to break off ties with another Muslim for more than 3 days, recognizing that we need time to cool off. Yet what is unhealthy, and often destructive, is the inability to forgive and move on.

We have no right to expect anyone to change to suit our way of thinking. Forgiving is not an action toward or for another. Forgiving starts with ourselves. Our intent, our behavior, burden, what-have-you is lifted from our concern. Forgiveness is freedom. Forgiving ourself about the way we feel toward someone or something frees us to start new, unburdened by the weight that feeling carried.

Forgiveness is not for the weak. Being able to forgive those who have wronged you is a mark of spiritual strength and confidence. Anger is a spiritual sickness; but when you forgive you live. It doesn’t matter if the other person deserves forgiveness. Forgiveness is a gift you give to yourself. In fact, if you want to move on, the best way to do that is forgive. Resentment is a chain that binds you to the other person, but forgiveness breaks the chain, so that you can release that person along your anger.

Who benefits when someone holds a grudge? No one. Forgiving means not carrying a grudge in your heart against that person. Forgiving means that if you were given the chance to retaliate, you would choose not to.

“Hold to forgiveness, command what is right, and turn away from the ignorant.” (Qur’an, 7: 199)

Forgiving is a proof of the magnificent of one’s soul. Forgiveness is important for two reasons: first, very importantly, for the life hereafter. One forgives to seek forgiveness. Seeking forgiveness is a sign of humility and forgiving others is a sign of magnanimity. We could recall the Prophet’s (sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam) famous saying “Have mercy on those on the earth, and the One in heaven will have mercy on you” [Tirmidhi].

"Dan hendaklah mereka memaafkan dan berlapang dada. Apakah kalian tidak ingin bahwa Allah akan mengampuni kalian? Dan sesungguhnya Allah adalah Maha pengampun lagi Maha penyayang" (Qs. An Nur: 22)

Second, seeking forgiveness and forgiving others brings happiness in the worldly life - it's a psychological thing. In addition, forgiving improves relations with people by bringing good reputation and respect.

The inability to forgive affects us spiritually and psychologically, and furthermore, has a detrimental effect on our health. Psychologists have said that the inability to forgive may cause a person to repeatedly bring anger and bitterness into every relationship and new experience. The hurt and insecurity caused by our offender is projected onto others, because we were not able to move on from our previous experience. When we take the step to learn from a hurtful experience, we should be able to prevent ourselves from doing the same to others. It also teaches us sympathy.One study showed that people who focused on a personal grudge had increased blood pressure and heart rates, as well as increased muscle tension and feelings of being less in control.

Accordingly, the most important step you can take toward healing yourself is to forgive, even if the other person has not asked for your forgiveness. Once you are able to let go of wrongs that have been done to you, it changes everything. It will change your relationships, your attitudes, your emotional make-up – your whole approach to living. It will give you a better life. Plus, you’ll find that when you forgive, you’re always a winner. You don’t lose a thing. Because it’s not a sign of weakness to love somebody who hurts you. It’s a sign of strength.

Besides, this is the best time to learn to forgive. This is Romadhon, the holy month, when ALLAH opens the doors of Jannah. It is the perfect time to ask for forgiveness to HIM, The Almighty. It is the perfect time to forgive others who did wrongs to us. Above all, try to forgive yourself. Forgive yourself of doing wrongs, of doing sins, of being a jerk and a sinner. Forgive yourself! and accept wholeheartedly everything that HE gives to you; your lack, inadequacy, imperfection and of course HIS continual bless and grace. Then, bit by bit learn to be a better person.

Then, smile. SMILE. Smile to those who gave you wry face, to those you hate, to those who hate you. Smile to everything that happens to you; good or bad. It’s a life. It’s already hard and complicated. Don’t make your life even harder with those grim. Just smile. Plus, it makes you look nicer.

J J J J J